|I just wrote out something long and lost it all. But that's alright.|
It doesn't feel fair for me to write here. Who was that girl who, only not a few Xanga posts ago, was urging her readers to cherish everything with which they had been blessed?
I know her again. She's changed a lot.
But this is the closing of the circle.
I have reached an old place in my heart, a place of which I wrote constantly in my earliest Xanga posts, almost eight years ago.
I am moving to Ireland as soon as I can.
I felt a peace there that I had absolutely no idea was possible to feel.
I felt like I was finally home.
I don't want to be foolish and hungry forever.
To put it lightly, I spent the last six months of my life in a drunken, miserable haze.
But I have stopped drinking - meaning, I have stopped drinking the way I did before. I haven't been drunk in a month, which is really saying something, considering how the last year of my life has been.
And the thought of measuring out the required five shots - required to get me sufficiently drunk but not destroy me - and drinking them, and traipsing uptown with my friends, to dance at Brickstreet with the same unimaginably dull people...
I am tired of this place.
Time passes slowly.
My heart breaks when i think that a month ago, Alexandria Schanke and I were stranded in Atlanta, fuming that we lost 24 hours off of our trip.
Time passes quickly.
And my heart still breaks when I think about everything that happened six months ago.
But I'm so glad I did what I needed to.
I did not do things that made me proud of myself.
In fact, I did rather a lot of things that I wish I hadn't done at all.
That is the most painful part.
I don't like to think about it too much.
It still hurts a lot.
But I am alone.
Absolutely, truly, completely.
And I am going to leave the country on my own.
I've already filled out a preliminary application for a long-term, residential volunteer position in Co. Tipperary.
I'd like to be gone by July, but I have $12,000 in student loans that aren't going to pay themselves.
I can do this.
(I'm also learning to play the guitar. Actually learning this time.)
I have to work in less than four and a half hours.
I can do this. i can work a silly job that's not in my field. I can keep myself alive. I can find peace here while I wait for what I really want.
I am happy.
I am sad.
I am human.
I am going to be alright.
Will ye go, lassie, go? And we'll all go together / to pull wild mountain thyme, all around the blooming heather.
|I am actually tired of Xanga. This is a weird feeling for me. |
I'm tired of everything. I'm exhausted.
I am ready for something, anything.
I will start with sleep.
|Jon and I broke up on Saturday. |
For the past several days, I've felt like I'm walking in a dream.
The clicking of the keys is strangely magnified in my ears.
My stomach feels sick, and probably will continue to for a few weeks. I have lost 9 pounds since last Saturday.
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
My life is changing.
|There are an inordinate amount of things that I just don't feel motivated to cultivate right now.|
Scott Dining Hall, and my references from there?
I want to lay in bed all day.
I sent my resume to a social work agency in Middletown a week and a half ago. I haven't heard from them. I think I will call them soon.
I feel like every second of all of my days are scheduled out for me - but so many times, it's in stupid ways. Take Monday.
Sunday night - if I'm asleep by 2am, that's an early night.
10am - wake up.
11:15-12:30 - class.
12:30-1:35 - walk to Shriver, Shriver time alone, check email, maybe eat.
1:35-2 - eat with Sam & Rachel.
2 - go to class.
2:15-3:30 - class.
3:30-4:45 - go on a walk with Sam, because otherwise I will get no exercise.
4:45 - eat dinner.
5:20 - go to chorale.
5:30-6:45 - chorale.
6:45-7:15 - snack before Mergers, go to CPA.
7:15-9 - Mergers.
And Mergers! By the time I'm done trying to teach people songs, and trying to get everyone to pay attention, there's nothing I want more than to go home, plop down in front of the couch, drink a beer, and watch the Simpsons with Jon.
But I need to transcribe. I could do it between class and lunch with Sam&Rachel, but I can't really, because I have to walk all the way to McGuffy and all the way back, which wouldn't give me much time to transcribe, and would mean a lot of walking. Same for after Queer Theory and before chorale.
And let's be honest - who wants to do work?
This is a major junction in my life - a major turning point.
I am leaving this place forever.
I am leaving my brother behind.
I am leaving my mother behind.
I am leaving my father behind.
I am leaving my friends behind.
Zack & Megan.
Tommy and Alex...
The Upham Arch. The globe in Schiedler.
Shriver center, and fountain Mountain Dew in the summer.
The music library.
All the things in Oxford that I never got around to doing, like walking the trail in the Community Park barefoot on a summer morning.
I need to be awake in the mornings this summer. It is the only thing that will keep me going.
But I need to focus on this week. I just need to make a to-do list. I can get everything done.
I am exhausted, and spent.
I have a lot to give.
I'm expected to put forth a lot.
I'm expected to be a good student, direct an a cappella group, go to work, go to group meetings, transcribe, plan a wedding, go to church, eat, sleep, and be a good friend.
For the last two years, I've filled up my life with things to keep me busy - to keep me out of the house, to keep me from having to sit in one place too long. Now, I'm like a molecule at boiling point.
I want it to be done.
I have never been so ready for something to end as I am for this semester to be over.