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| I just wrote out something long and lost it all. But that's alright.
It doesn't feel fair for me to write here. Who was that girl who, only not a few Xanga posts ago, was urging her readers to cherish everything with which they had been blessed?
I know her again. She's changed a lot.
But this is the closing of the circle.
I have reached an old place in my heart, a place of which I wrote constantly in my earliest Xanga posts, almost eight years ago.
I am moving to Ireland as soon as I can.
I felt a peace there that I had absolutely no idea was possible to feel.
I felt like I was finally home.
I don't want to be foolish and hungry forever.
To put it lightly, I spent the last six months of my life in a drunken, miserable haze.
But I have stopped drinking - meaning, I have stopped drinking the way I did before. I haven't been drunk in a month, which is really saying something, considering how the last year of my life has been.
And the thought of measuring out the required five shots - required to get me sufficiently drunk but not destroy me - and drinking them, and traipsing uptown with my friends, to dance at Brickstreet with the same unimaginably dull people...
I am tired of this place.
Time passes slowly.
My heart breaks when i think that a month ago, Alexandria Schanke and I were stranded in Atlanta, fuming that we lost 24 hours off of our trip.
One month.
Time passes quickly.
And my heart still breaks when I think about everything that happened six months ago.
But I'm so glad I did what I needed to.
I did not do things that made me proud of myself.
In fact, I did rather a lot of things that I wish I hadn't done at all.
That is the most painful part.
I don't like to think about it too much.
It still hurts a lot.
But I am alone.
Absolutely, truly, completely.
And I am going to leave the country on my own.
I've already filled out a preliminary application for a long-term, residential volunteer position in Co. Tipperary.
I'd like to be gone by July, but I have $12,000 in student loans that aren't going to pay themselves.
I can do this.
(I'm also learning to play the guitar. Actually learning this time.)
I have to work in less than four and a half hours.
I can do this. i can work a silly job that's not in my field. I can keep myself alive. I can find peace here while I wait for what I really want.
I am happy.
I am sad.
I am human.
I am going to be alright.
Will ye go, lassie, go? And we'll all go together / to pull wild mountain thyme, all around the blooming heather.
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| blackberrybell3.tumblr.com | | |
| I am actually tired of Xanga. This is a weird feeling for me.
I'm tired of everything. I'm exhausted.
I am ready for something, anything.
I will start with sleep. | | |
| Jon and I broke up on Saturday.
For the past several days, I've felt like I'm walking in a dream.
The clicking of the keys is strangely magnified in my ears.
My stomach feels sick, and probably will continue to for a few weeks. I have lost 9 pounds since last Saturday.
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
My life is changing. | | |
| There are an inordinate amount of things that I just don't feel motivated to cultivate right now.
Mergers?
Academics?
Scott Dining Hall, and my references from there?
Physical health?
I want to lay in bed all day.
I sent my resume to a social work agency in Middletown a week and a half ago. I haven't heard from them. I think I will call them soon.
I feel like every second of all of my days are scheduled out for me - but so many times, it's in stupid ways. Take Monday.
Sunday night - if I'm asleep by 2am, that's an early night.
Monday:
10am - wake up.
11:15-12:30 - class.
12:30-1:35 - walk to Shriver, Shriver time alone, check email, maybe eat.
1:35-2 - eat with Sam & Rachel.
2 - go to class.
2:15-3:30 - class.
3:30-4:45 - go on a walk with Sam, because otherwise I will get no exercise.
4:45 - eat dinner.
5:20 - go to chorale.
5:30-6:45 - chorale.
6:45-7:15 - snack before Mergers, go to CPA.
7:15-9 - Mergers.
And Mergers! By the time I'm done trying to teach people songs, and trying to get everyone to pay attention, there's nothing I want more than to go home, plop down in front of the couch, drink a beer, and watch the Simpsons with Jon.
But I need to transcribe. I could do it between class and lunch with Sam&Rachel, but I can't really, because I have to walk all the way to McGuffy and all the way back, which wouldn't give me much time to transcribe, and would mean a lot of walking. Same for after Queer Theory and before chorale.
And let's be honest - who wants to do work?
This is a major junction in my life - a major turning point.
I am leaving this place forever.
I am leaving my brother behind.
I am leaving my mother behind.
I am leaving my father behind.
I am leaving my friends behind.
Ben.
Sam.
Kati.
Rachel.
Courtney.
Kate Kuvalanka.
The Heitgers.
Decibel.
45.
Kofenya.
Zack & Megan.
Michael Houser.
Tommy and Alex...
Chorale.
The Upham Arch. The globe in Schiedler.
Shriver center, and fountain Mountain Dew in the summer.
The music library.
Kelly Drive.
Mergers!
Immanuel!
All the things in Oxford that I never got around to doing, like walking the trail in the Community Park barefoot on a summer morning.
I need to be awake in the mornings this summer. It is the only thing that will keep me going.
But I need to focus on this week. I just need to make a to-do list. I can get everything done.
I am exhausted, and spent.
I have a lot to give.
I'm expected to put forth a lot.
I'm expected to be a good student, direct an a cappella group, go to work, go to group meetings, transcribe, plan a wedding, go to church, eat, sleep, and be a good friend.
For the last two years, I've filled up my life with things to keep me busy - to keep me out of the house, to keep me from having to sit in one place too long. Now, I'm like a molecule at boiling point.
I want it to be done.
I have never been so ready for something to end as I am for this semester to be over. | | |
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